I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?