I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles