i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
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Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.