i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
why no one uses midhusbands
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.