I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does