I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
You Might Also Like
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
she has a point
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
