I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
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7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I don’t make the rules sorry
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.