i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!