i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Found my door mat
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Good morning y’all ☀️
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.