i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
