i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

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Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?


When you say ” friends with benefits” I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store


-Come on, it’s time to go


-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!


Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.


Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.


If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.


-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.


Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].