i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.