i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Accurate
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
the last thing a carrot sees
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
i was baptized in a car wash
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh