I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
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I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
jesus christ confetti not now
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla