I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
genius
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.