I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
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Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying