I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
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Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Worlds greatest photobomb
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
meanwhile over on facebook
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
#gardening
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.