I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
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I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together