I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
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What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
WHO DID THIS?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*