I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!