I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
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friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words