I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
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thats my bad
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.