I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
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Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Self-cleaning conscience
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..