Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

At least he brought enough for everyone

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

Employees must applaud the planets.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

Seals are just dog mermaids.

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?