Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.