Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).