Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

these can’t be my only options

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.