I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
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“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
You sure about that?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”