I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
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COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
