I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
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girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
la cocaina
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.