Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

iPhone X

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”