I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
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Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period