Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.