I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I think we should hear other voices.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.