Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]