Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!