I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
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My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
How actors in movies eat their food
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic