I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
scares
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?