I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably