Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight