Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Catercrombie & Fish