Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine