Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.