I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
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Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers