I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.