Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
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Gonna start wearing exclusively white jeans. With lots of zippers on them. No pockets, just so many zippers.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.