@baronvonbike

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

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@darksidedeb

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

@_steamy_mac

Gonna start wearing exclusively white jeans. With lots of zippers on them. No pockets, just so many zippers.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

@david8hughes

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

@NECROMANClNG

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

@goldengateblond

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

@ShawnHatosy

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.