I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
You Might Also Like
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work