Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

All excellent questions

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

The government even made aliens boring

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.