I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
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Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I never needed anything more in my life
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Breaking news:
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.