“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
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I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
What the hell is going on?
