“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
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ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.