“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
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When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
#SCOTUS one-star review
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.