“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
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The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Probably my best painting.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.