Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

Me sliding into hell like

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏