Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

Ghost costume 😂

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

“you look easy to draw”

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.