Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

I needed a laugh this morning.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

Labreador

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”