I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Don’t we all.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
wtf is a larm clock?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.