I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs