Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.