I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
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Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
