Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

The second world war should have been called world war returns

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.