Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Talk about a bad egg

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?