I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
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My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I used the label maker
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake