Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in