I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”