Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

Ghost costume 😂

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!