Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Me trying to reach for my goals

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

Jupiter

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?