I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
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If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
I love you…
…r dog.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Baller is short for ballerina
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*