Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

hardest line in real life

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

White Castle for the Win

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.