Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Only Americans understand

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”