I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”