I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
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If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?