I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.